Monday, August 24, 2015
Trump Appealing to Broad and Diverse Coalition of Assholes, Survey Shows
Although many have "drawn comfort from the belief that Donald J. Trump’s dominance in the polls is a political summer fling", a new analysis shows that he is building a broad and diverse coalition of douchebags, jerks and straight up assholes to maintain his position at the top of the Republican primary field.
Trump draws enthusiasm from people of varying ideological, political and demographic backgrounds, but the data suggest his supporters do in fact fall squarely into one category: total dicks.
Republican Party strategists are particularly impressed at Trump's ability to unite this emerging and powerful voting bloc. "Sure, we're been courting the asshole vote for years," said one Republican insider. "But with his wishy-washy attitude toward attacking defenseless homeless people, Trump is setting a new bar."
Carl Tomanelli of Londonderry, N.H. counts himself among Trump's supporters. "People are starting to see, I believe, that all this political correctness is garbage," he said. "I think he’s echoing what a lot of people feel and say." Added Tomanelli, "And by people, I mean, you know, sexist and xenophobic jackasses."
Lisa Carey said, "As inappropriate as some of his comments are, I think it’s stuff that a lot of people are thinking but afraid to say. And I’m a woman." Continued Carey, "And, as you can clearly tell, I've thought through the consequences and wisdom of having the man responsible for the safety and well-being of over 300 million citizens casually blurt out the inappropriate things that other people are thinking."
In general, Trump's women supporters cited his willingness to be a total douche toward Mexicans as paramount to any policy concerns, while his sexist male enthusiasts pointed to an egregiously demeaning attitude toward women as key to their unconditional support.