Dick Cheney to Senate: Nobody Out-Evils Dick Cheney

In scathing comments regarding the recently released Senate Intelligence report on the CIA's torture of detainees, Dick Cheney lambasted the committee for ignoring his "singular role" in creating "the policies, culture and dubious legal cover" for the CIA's interrogation techniques.

While the report contends that CIA interrogators acted without authorization and outside the legal bounds of the programs approved by the Bush administration, Cheney insists that he was behind the torture of the terrorist suspects all along. "This idea that detainees were waterboarded, deprived of sleep or subjected to 'rectal hydration' without my knowledge is absurd, since everyone knows I practically invented rectal hydration," said Cheney.

Insisting that he would have "personally waterboarded every detainee in US custody, guilty or innocent," Mr. Cheney dismissed the claim that the CIA acted as a rogue agent in the aftermath of the September 11th attacks.

"Look, I think it's become pretty clear the most outrageously terrible ideas from the last Presidential administration were my idea. Nobody at the CIA could have come up with anything this ill-conceived and ineffective," said the former Vice President, adding, "Nobody out-evils Dick Cheney."

Newly Discovered Fossil—and Science—Could Prove Problem for Creationists

As the Washington Post reports, researchers have discovered a fossil that they claim—along with the entirety of the scientific literature of the past 150 years—could be a headache for Biblical Creationists.

The new fossil may, along with multiple lines of converging evidence from fields as diverse as paleontology, biology, astronomy, genetics, physics and geology, finally provide strong evidence against the hypothesis that the world was created in its present form as little as 10,000 years ago.

"Sure, we have plenty of evidence from carbon dating that the earth is billions of years old," said lead researcher, Ryosuke Motani. "The theory of continental drift makes it pretty clear that the earth has changed quite a bit over that time. Once you get into the biology, you've got evidence from molecular genetics, comparative anatomy of homologous traits, not to mention the distribution of various branches of the tree of life around the globe, to name just a few."

Added Motani, "but until today, we didn't really have a smoking gun."

Multiple scientific observers have expressed hope that, along with many cases of observed evolution in nature and in laboratories, and in addition to numerous already-discovered fossils that appear to be the intermediate stages between marine and land-dwelling animals, the newly discovered fossil will be the straw that breaks the camel's back in the Creationists' argument.

"We truly believe that Creationist fundamentalists the world over will finally yield on this," an assistant researcher said. "...especially after they consider that nothing in the last century of scientific investigation has produced any shred support for their hypothesis."

A spokesman at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky said they will take a "very close look" at the group's forthcoming research paper before deciding their next move.